With all the unfettered chuntering of previously contribution there was a question and direction I think – though I’m not sure I know what it was. Perhaps if I do come back to read this some future day, a capsule from the past like the video watched this evening perhaps …
Yesterday I went to see my grandmother I was not alone and never am on such visits. She had dimensia of some sort and it’s taken it’s hold of her over the last ten or more years .. This is I’m led to understand a long slow burning example of such a condition .. i know not having never looked into it.
Going up there to the home / hospital my grandfather had told me of a man who spends his days in the smoking room, he sits and plays around with 5 or so lacks of cigarets & presumably smokes .. He told me about him and that he was up until only a few years ago a pilot for Swiss on their transatlantic route. I heard this but thought little of it other than it was quite a change to befall a person non shorter time. On arrival sure enough there was a man sat in the smoking room cigarette boxes lines up on the table before him.
At first when I would go up there and for many years I was fortunate, mostly I seemed to get good days, she knew who i was and while far from conversationally adept, she would sort of smile, say the odd thing and be happy to see people. She was sad to be up there and so leaving was always uncomfortable but within limits. More so when she was brought home and seemed to know when other things were lost to her that time was finite and she would be going again.. Now physical accidents, brittle bones, stronger drugs and the disease itself have changed things, she is either in bed or placed into a chair, barely speaks and seems uncertain where who and what things are about.. But not entirely, occasional flickers still splutter up from somewhere, I’m more the audience member, there with whomever else has gone, little call for exiting my observation posting and somehow it’s barely the person who used to be in any real way. I rather hope it isn’t – these places are awful, this is switzerland, the building are nice, well kept, the rooms highly sanitary and the ward well staffed but it’s not life, it’s a prison, a tedious, odd smelling prison without any security, it doesn’t need it, they’re all prisoners of their own incapacities, unable by and large to escape, or too confused to make good on it, even if their initial faculties & person rendered an attempt possible, if ill advised.
It’s a none life – before she could walk and there were days when some more of the person would break free from their prison and appear on a look, a jesture and to decreasing extents in words – no more .. Though among the confusion and none sentence offering came this to the apparently rhetorical question – do you remember any English … Bisschen – thought to be a random response at first along with the other incoherent words lumped together in strings of no meaning (which is a good day I’m led to believe) – can you say something in English? She’s asked
there is a pause and things seem to move on
- yes – the English yes not the German .. She smiles at us, presumably a response to our surprised smiles .. That was unexpected. It begs a familiar question, how much of the person that used to be, is now trapped in there? Hopefully, I think again – not too much
Many years ago, also over Christmas I was invited round to a good friends – during that visit, they forgot something and having a car while they did not I headed to collect it. Bringing it to the home / hospital where their grandmother was staying. I remember it reasonably well, she seemed quite a strong willed old lady though small and frail and in the end she was taken back to her room. It’s was obscure & uncertain for me, I didn’t know quite what I was doing there or what I ought to do, so steered into the gap between polite as possible and distantly observant. I was stood toward the back of the room by this point removing myself so much as was possible from events while those who were left were clearly emotional about things. It was uncomfortable, not that this was of any consequence and I know not now a this time later if such a reaction was poor, ok, correct or what or how it would be done better.. Was not that useful in such matters.
Perhaps this instance, though it sticks in my mind is not really noteworthy but it highlights that what was true then is basically true now… Just as it had been true before.
Before that then – my orger grandfather was in hospital. Having travelled to Glasgow, on the second of third day I remember not, he awoke. The room had many people in it, my father his brother and others .. He was. Straight talking often offensive more often funny man who’d struggled with the death of his wife. He was possibly not as he hoped himself to be or as he hoped to be seen and such things were too much for him. He woke and drew me close, I don’t remember how or why only that he asked that we go or that I go. I took no offence, said ok and did as I was asked. I was there, I had generally abstractly perhaps though i would be saying goodbye, so it proved to be, I see now as I seemed to then in nothing wrong in simply obliging his request. One size though seldom to never fits all.
I returned to Glasgow not long after for his funeral – I don’t remember much of it – I remember my grans for the unusually raw state in which this usually proud and gruffish man now barley stood. I observed, distant and a row or so back.
This had been a quick year – there is upon us all a requirement to exist in the moments afforded to us to the most that the opportunities afforded us allow. This evening an old video ran from summer holidays in the mountains & one in Cornwall and there was the past, familiar faces not so very different for many of us but not for all.
We are bound to ourselves and the way we are – New Years are nothing more than another day of sand falling gradually.. But occasionally it does to reflect, am I paying enough heed to today in my predilection to concern myself with what could be tomorrow, was I enough there when spending all that time filing 20 odd yeas ago, those days when I couldn’t realise how unusual and fortunate much of my life was – am I doing the same now writing these notes to myself about future and past matters rather than appreciating what remains in this today …
New Years – compounded by uncertainties in careers or life – doesn’t do wonders for inherent introspection .. Observing too much? Not taking sufficient care of the day in doing jobs that take up so much life but that relate in only minimal ways to anything that I could conscrue as either interesting or good use of what time we have. The most fun is in the interesting, in the new and in the striving to be that better person making better decisions – nothing that is worthwhile is easy apparently but despite what initial discomforting shock it might bring a visit by three most well informed and directionally certain ghosts being heralded might not have gone amiss ..carrot by the fireplace to encourage forth a visits from the undead dead or whatever ghosts are .. The unquiet dead .. The informed & opinionated dead
Questions … & 2015 .. Antworten
Boxing Day – the day with no plans and coming as the third in a chain of days regularly beset by limited occurrences.
Could just lye in the floor and stare at the ceiling – as tempting as that’s been known to be it has a way of eliciting a confused and uncertain response from those with whom one is cooped up. Vacant spaces ..
Amazing how swiftly hours pass at work – evidence of how readily the brain can be fooled, for ostensibly there is much of the vacant space to be found there, only the puzzles or problems of the day such you in.. Like pets enjoy such moments as hoovering or other entertaing activities – movement it seems beats seditery even if the movement is a wheel firmly fixed to some bars & going nowhere other than round. Offering puzzles – Deceiving in the moment – my work – shielded by at least two layers from meaning.
Layer 1 – an inherent ability to take any energy poured in and channel it out into a familiar unaltering outcome .. The more the struggle the more things stay the same.. not only in the big national organisations do system defend themselves manfully recruiting loyalists to their cause. Omission bias & the deep routes of local norms
Layer 2 – we’re selling a highly commoditised product. We don’t make it, we don’t offer it delivered by highly trained postal pelican or complete with added ‘advanced James Bond 1980s evil villain base escape aids.’ Nope we sell stuff for about the same price that any number of others do, in a way which one would be hard pressed to describe as unique, though those more at home in such waters may have stayed more effective means to stay afloat.
Its a game – no more, someone wins someone looses until an oligopoly or minimum viable number of players are established & barriers to entry firmed up.. Its hard to say it matters in any way other as a test of the worthy .. Unlike other tests of the worthy however the outcome to the wider world is beyond negligible, no disease overcome, no product extended to the masses …
This cyclical test is of course not like a football match – nothing like it – suggestions to the contrary clearly outlanish notions of the uncomprehending. Anyone that argues that any of the champions league finals are in some way an equivalent retreading of 2005 & Istanbul – nope – they are mistaken, a fool who fails to understand, to appreciate exactly what happened on that the greatest of all nights. This on the hand is the height of meaningful moments.. A things without equivalence.
While work in the wheel, we leave the board and someone else will immediate grow into the space, indivuduals and their employers. Customers will still get the product they really have no practical need for, no highly trained pelicans will have to go perform on south bank to make a living and the world will notice not a jot… The stakeholders will notice, suspect they’ve been noticing for some time – I’ve been here only months & noticed … Hence my major reticence on the intended property search – just as well.. Mortgages banks and their predilection for preferring regular and reliable repayment.
So now in the quiet of the empty days – ponderances occur upon what next – some may cry pessimism but to my mind evidence suggests investors don’t tend to love year on year on year losses without sign of reprieve .. People seem to prefer to keep hold of their funds .
It is a little defeatist but some towels may better suited or at least in need of being thrown in – adapt or die – that is sort of what the market is meantto deliver.. It doesn’t but nor does is molicodle failure..
Work environments seem to demand ever more a mindless cosmetic optimism and this has been lost on me. It seems a growing trend, ever more prevalent, to expect people to say certain things, the optimism is good & pessimism good. Why? Sutely fact and unfettered actually is what leads to good decisions.. A previous colleague, german, simply stated how thing were and why .. No flowering it up no political manoeuvring – after an initial surprise it was quite the most refreshing thing and by concentrating on actually doing stuff she was immediately more effective than all others.
Optimism – pesamism – accepted scripts of what’s go be said. Surely all are equally poor, two sides of same distortion to solid decision making. Both suggest and require distortion of facts, ignoring what is self evident and over egging that which suits a preperscribed hypothesis. Surrendering balanced reflection in favour of emotive propensity from within. So let’s talk about opportunities & improvements, the achievements & the progress while the boats lists and breaches ..tipping in a manner that would leave any passenger with a renewed appreciation for dry land
I may cautious and caution tends to was pesamism but that’s nothing to be proud of – it’s a propensity in need of mitigation, if one is to overcome it, to not keep trying to prove the inherent hypothesis previlant in the thoughts but to follow a more balanced considered approach.
Why all this chuntering – well with a change looking like it’s about to foist itself onto life decision may be coming in need of the making. The question begged – what next? It’s not really about work at all – as with all such offerings it’s the internal meandering on the self or at least of the self .. Centralised around the self – diaries blogs … I’m guessing so.. People and there thoughts on themselves, what could be more roundly fascinating to all ..
Those who do not learn from the past are destined to repeat or doing the same thing / making the same decisions and expecting different outcomes – there are some famous quotes about that sort of thing .. Mr Einstein – pretty decent source
What happened in 2014?
- there was the rise of ukip… The party for those who aren’t racist, having as they did once met the black man or perhaps even once having had a friend who was from across the seas .. So how could they be, for as the bnp before them they could roll out actual representatives from the very groups that they had so diligently and scientifically identifies as being the causal effect of so many of our societies ills.
Take the Romanians … No I mean take the Romanians … Comedy gold – 1970s anyone
They are patently to blame for congestion on our roads, coming over here and discovering automobiles … Very exciting for them … Bouncing around our pothole adorned streets, all fuelled up on benefits and at the same time traveling around like a plague of littleest hobbos doing jobs for less than any respecting Englishman could afford to .. Simultaneously also causing the unemployment and the rise in benefits costs … They’re Wiley these Romanians that spend their days just snaring up our precious m25.
Congestion that has absolutely nothing to do with the large number of lorries migrating all about during peak hours, the delapidated, over priced, unreliable rail network that just about works if your willing to go the direction it wants to take you & has so wisely not been invested in as a primary mover of freight like those fools from across the waters … Romanians .. What are you going to do … Vote ukip – don’t be racist just be a little bit simple & they’ll make everything ok .. Just like in the old days
An unspecified – hither to undiscovered historic land and time where all the good things happened – and why not.
It’s good to see that a rightfully disenfranchised electorate has learnt the lessons of history by reaching for hope in an empty vessels of mean spirited blame & division..
I’m bias and am proving this by embarking on a plane to take me back to the land of my forefathers tonight – for chrismas – Switzerland – so rarely blamed for coming over here will ill deeds in toe the Swiss & yet here I am generation later weeving myself into polite society and worse still driving my car on those congested roads.. Out of pure spite – I feel the shame but I enjoy it too much to stop
What else …
Our ever purple and ever shinny (cause this really raises up the quality of political debate) prime minister .. The almost royal, private school man of the people and defender of the NHS committee to further defending the health service through privatising or rather franchising out fair old chunks of it … The best form of defence is attack & a scuttled boat surely can not be taken by the enemy.
Then on the other side the spurious argument that you shouldn’t make money out if health … Nope you should not, it is other peoples most grievous misfortune and it is morally repugnant to seek profit from it … Totally but for who
- for individuals like doctors or nurses selling their time
for pharmaceutical companies investing in new drugs and treatments while finding new and important ways to extend the patents on the old ones
cleaning / logistics companies
dentists / opticians
private hospitals and GPs practises
the problem with this is that it’s always been part privatised anyway – people have always I been making money from it – even if doing so wasn’t primary or even secondary in their motivations … This isn’t proof that further franchising off is fine … That it’s right .. It’s proof only that it’s not an absolutist discussion – the shades of grey matter, what society do we want – what kind of health care system we have, the details matter the choices – they define the world we will find ourselves living in & we’ve handed the keys to a purple man & his Etonian men of the people to decide for us … Because they represent the will of the people .. & against him we select another man of wealth with experience gained in that wide eyed alternative field of, investment banking – home of morality, last refuge from the establishment and well evidenced as the moral church of rectitude .. We do make such fine choices for ourselves and future generations .. As my train rolls into kings cross it almost makes me want to hoist the flag and sing … Sing … Sing
I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay – I work all night and I sleep all day …
But now at its end the corner is surely turned – for their has been a chuntering in the dark resesses of the internet – where a tree may fall an no one does hear it – the virtual equivalent of a mental having a fraught & animated conversation in a long since disconnected phone booth – oh yes that’s seen to it – 2015 shall be that new heralded dawn …
Movie on .. seen it very many times and its at best an Average one .. Its gunna hurt at come 6:30 tomorrows intended and missed get up time ..
On the other hand it will be Monday – very excited
This had been quite the fastest year – least that’s how I’ve found it. Last year I made some quiet stipulations to myself only they were not stipulations they were at most intentions and they’ve not stood up well to the year and the various maybe next months sliding along to which they’ve been treated.
Now it’s at it’s end or soon will be so 2015 will be either be a bumper roll over year or perhaps that which wasn’t in 2014 might be better left to nap things out.
This year I left one job and bumped into another. I’ve left too many jobs in recent times for a mixture of reasons but rumour has it, these shortened stints are not ideal in terms of cv building. That said jobs have become rather boring and there is nothing or if one is to vaunted towards caution little, to be said for the tedious and the pointless… Especially if years are to do what this one has show itself so apt toward.
In younger times I was firmly among the average or be it with a highly divergent level of deviation in either direction. It was always good to find the world awash with the smarter, the more diligent, skilful – people to migrate toward, to aspire a stretch.. My current role sees me in an organisation failing in its efforts but quite warm and comfortable in its situation none the less.. That said a creeping downsizing has been achieved as certain members have left and gone unreplaced. It is i find, uncomfortable to look around and see so little to offset ones own short falls, to learn from, to see purpose in argument – perhaps it is better to be beaten or to stand at risk of being the least than it is to be alone as to find no merit in entering..
I can see that they might make the sensible decision to close some aspects of the operation in 2015 .. The owners and even much of the most senior managers are comfortable and wealthy types but even so a business so reliably loss making as to appear like the last maker of the steam car, drinking warm beer, attending wonderful doos and parties most satisfied & contented in the knowledge that the frightful and uncouth gasoline alternatives will soon be turned away from by a currently misguided populous.. Such a business will at some time convince it’s backers that a better way may exist into which to plunge their finances
So I think perhaps I shan’t be here so very long – I could do with being somewhere for a decent stint – but the choice may not be mine in the end, a good decision to close things down may see that a decision not in my hands .. Even if it is in my hands, then myself as someone disinclined to warm beer, cricket and the quaint impracticality of steam power – the mutual discomfort may come to bob to the surface to vigorously.
It’s all so very public school – or at least how I imagine that way to be .. so very batten down the hatches and keep true and it’ll all work out in the wash good old boy mentality .. It may have much to commend it but it’s no more a loss to me as my agitations are to it . Me and my propensity to class war – they’re perfectly nice but sort of entitled in an understated way, like the world will just work out for them or will be wrong if it doesn’t – let the world come to me, if what I do fails well I shall jolly well just do it some more
was thinking of buying a property – it was to be one of the 2014 things – still probably as well go have that on hold .. Mortgages.. Incomes all that – probably not the best time for daring